


Picture of you

by Ghost_Writer



Category: Olympics RPF, Swimming RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-23
Updated: 2013-05-19
Packaged: 2017-11-29 12:29:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 12,028
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/686968
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ghost_Writer/pseuds/Ghost_Writer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ryan had never thought he was gay until that summer in Athens. Eight years later he is happy and in love with Michael but a tweet brings back feelings he had long since forgotten. But will their relationship be strong enough to survive this?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Nobody sees our hearts break

**Author's Note:**

> This fic takes place between 2004 and 2016.
> 
> This is my first multiple chapter fic. Any tips/feedback please don't hesitate to comment 
> 
> I am dutch so my english isn't that good, sorry if the spelling isn't that good.

Having your heart broken hurts, breaking the heart of the person you love hurts even more Ryan thinks. He starts counting again, 43, 44, 45 46, 47. He looks at the bottle of Vodka and sighs as he unscrews the top 

London, august 15th 2012 

Ryan is sitting, waiting at Heathrow Airport, a purple hoodie (Michael’s Ravens hoodie) on him, the hood up and as far over his eyes as is possible. He has his music blasting through his earphones. He is hoping, no praying, no-one asks him for an autograph or a picture. Not now, not when he had cried himself to sleep three nights in a row. Not after he had begged Michael to take him back. His heart was broken, and all because of a picture. He looks down at his phone, the picture lighting up the entire screen, smiling faces. His real and he wonders if the other man’s smile was real or faked. He sighs and turns his phone off, no point in torturing himself with a picture of what never was. His flight is delayed and as he sits in the airport lobby he goes over the events that have happened in the two weeks. He came here to conquer, and that he did but he is leaving alone with a broken heart. He has a bag full of medals but no one by his side to celebrate his success. He hears his flight being announced. “We never change, do we? No, no, we never learn, do we?” He had heard them lyrics in a song many years ago, how appropriate they are right now. He has well and truly fucked up. He lost Michael, the only person he has actually had a loving two-sided relationship with. The person he could see himself growing old with, have kids with and perhaps even a mortgage. He fucked it up hoping to find something behind a tweet. Something that had never been there to begin with and now he was alone. It took loosing Michael to realize that what he had hoped was there, had never been there to begin with. He settles himself in the seat on the plane.

He is flying alone, the rest of the USA swim team went home yesterday, but seeing as he and Michael weren’t on speaking terms he didn’t want to have to spent an entire flight with him a plane, no way of escaping. So here he is leaving London alone. Only a week ago he was celebrating his 28th birthday. He had gone down to the pool to see Michael race. He needed to see him race. They couldn't spent the day together due to PR crap but being able to see what Michael did best (well what he could do in public), was what Ryan wanted to do for his birthday. His plan of spending the day in bed, watching Pretty Woman and fooling around was put on hold until they both returned to the US.

Everything seemed so simple he was in love with this great guy, who was going to move down to Florida to be with him. He had what every women (and even some men) envied. Michael Phelps, he owned every bit of that 6ft3 swimmer. He had tried to stay out of the crowed area watching the races away from the rest of his team. He didn't even see him coming; he had asked him to pose for a photo, had asked Ryan how he was and tweeted a Happy Birthday tweet. Ryan started feeling all sorts of stuff he hadn't felt in a long time, feelings he had long since forgotten and now he had nothing else to do but deal with them. As the engines start-up he thinks back to that day. How it had started out perfectly but would end in heartbreak. He wonders if he couldn’t see he was a fool or if he had and he just didn’t want to know.

His house is empty when he gets home. Carter is at his mums, Devon was going to swing by later to relax over beer and pizza. Devon doesn’t know it is over yet between him and Michael. He doesn’t want to think about it, he wants the pain to go away. The pain of knowing Michael will never kiss him again, never waking up to Michael being pressed against him or never having Michael call him at 2 a.m. just to tell him he loves him.

****

London, August 3rd 2012 

_"Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you, you look like a monkey and you smell like one too”_ Alison sings, off-key coming into his room at the Olympic Village holding a cake with 28 candles. He smiles and sits up rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. He wants to ask if Michael is here but he knows the answer. Michael is still racing and is probably doing his warm-up under the watchful eye of Bob. He stretches and takes the cake of Allison. "Thanks Schmitty" he says blowing out the candles. "Did you make a wish" she asks propping his pillow up against his headboard and settling into the bed. he grins. “Ugh, I don’t even want to know” Allisons says setteling herself on the bed. “Gonna see Mike race” she asks liking the icing of one of the candles. “Jeah” he says cutting a piece of cake, fuck watching his weight, it is his birthday. He can work it off later with Michael he thinks as he digs into his cake.

He stood watching in the waiting area. Normally off-limits if you weren’t competing but he was Ryan Lochte, and he just had to use his charm and he could get anything he wanted. He felt giddy, excited and nervous. This was Michael’s last race, he was going to be a G.O.A.T. He had already mentally prepared jokes to mock Michael with about being a goat. He was even going to suggest Michael would grow a goatee to go with his new title. He grinned at Michael with a goatee a vast improvement on some of his dodgy facial hair exhibitions over the years.

Michael pre-lims are over so he can relax. He wonders around the aquatics center a bit, not really paying attention. He was counting the hours till he could be alone with Michael. “Ryan” a familiar voice says, a voice he hadn’t heard in almost 4 years. He turns around, and there he is standing in jeans and shirt. He feels a lump forming in his throat. “Pieter” he says his voice trembling. After all these years Pieter still had a hold over him, made him into a fool when he was around. “Happy Birthday” Pieter says pulling him into a hug and kissing him three times on the cheek. Very continental, no very Dutch he thinks to himself. “How have you been” Pieter asks, his Dutch accent seeping through. The same accent he had fallen for all them years ago. “Good” he says, his heart starts to jump a beat and he feels like he is out of breath. “Would you mind taking a picture with me” Pieter says pointing at his phone. “Jeah” he says without even thinking. He stands next to the older man. “Would you like to go for a drink?” Pieter asks. His brain says no but his mouth says yes.

The lights in the bar are low, it is dark and yet he can see every line of the older man’s face. They are both four years older than the last and yet he still feels like the 20 year old he was in Athens, young and foolish. He had fallen in love even though you knew it could never go any further. Pieter had a girlfriend, a wife, after all. How many nights had he cried himself to sleep alone, wanting him, needing him. He doesn’t speak of what happened last time you met. He talks about retirement, the new Dutch hopefuls and how he doesn’t regret not competing. He asks how Ryan is and what his plans are, if he is retiring or not. They drink, Pieter Heineken, he and orange juice. He doesn’t need anything influencing his better judgment cause it is already shaky enough as it is. He should be with Michael, his phone has been buzzing non-stop since they got to the club. He should really go, his brain is telling him to leave and yet he doesn’t. The spell has never truly been broken.

****

London, August 9th 

“It is over” Michael says slamming the door in Ryan’s face. “Let me explain, Michael” Ryan says walking into the room. “What is there to explain, you slept with him, you cheated on me” “I didn’t sleep with him” Ryan says biting back the tears. “Well maybe you didn’t., but tell me you didn’t want to sleep with him” Ryan stares at his shoes. “No answer is an asnswer too Ryan” Michael spits. “Go back to him, go be his fool. I think you deserve better but right now I don’t care I don’t ever want to see you again. “I love you” Ryan says close to tears. Michael expression softens “It's so simple to say I love you. But sometimes it's not enough, I can’t do this. I deserve better, I can’t be wondering if you would go back to him if he asked you too. I need to know you’re mine.” “I am” Ryan says taking a step closer to Michael. “Please Ry, I can’t do this, we’re over.” Michael says sitting down on the bed with his head in his hands. I will be strong, I need to do this. I need to stand up for myself Michael thinks to himself. When he looks up again Ryan is gone is clothes still all over the room like he had never left “Please come back Ry, please make me take you back” Michael whispers to himself.

He runs back to his room, tears rolling over his eyes. When he reaches his room he swipes his keycard and slams the door shut behind him. He falls to the floor and pulls his knees up against his chest. His breathing becomes painful and he feels the need to throw up. He runs to the bathroom, he makes it to the sick just in time. He throws up three times before his stomach calms down. He looks at himself in the mirror; he doesn’t like what he sees, a fool. His eyes are red from the crying, and yet the rest of his face is pale. He splashes cold water in his face and heads towards the bed. He doesn’t bother changing he just lies there staring at the ceiling. I had a picture in my mind, how could I not have known it could be so wrong. Why did it take me this long just to see I am not his fool anymore he thinks to himself as he feels his body being pulled into a state of sleep.

He dreams of Michael, of Pieter when he awakes the next morning and for a moment everything is still the same, he wants to text Michael and then it hits him. It is well and truly over. A thought crosses his mind, it scares him at first but for him it feels like it is the only way out.


	2. Addicted / Sober

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ryan meets Pieter for the first time in 2004 and falls head over heals but doesn't realise the game Pieter is playing and that it is him that is going to pay the price.
> 
> (Chapter two has been updated. there had been an error and parts of chapter was missing)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tried to be as accurate as possible with dates etc.
> 
> Not beta-ed all mistakes my own.
> 
> Some Dutch:  
> Schatje = baby/honey  
> Hoi lieverd, Ik houd van jou = Hi sweetie, i love you

Beijing, 17th of August 2008

Michael worried about Ryan. The happy sufer dude he met all them years ago was literally faling apart in front of his eyes. He had heard Ryan cry himself to sleep many times since Athens. He had heard fragmented conversations in which Ryan was begging the other person to come and see him. Michael didn't know what to do, or how to help. He only hoped Ryan knew he was there for him no matter what. He didn't want to see Ryan hurting, he didn't know who could hurt Ryan. Michael knew that he cared about Ryan and nothing would change that, right? He could not have seen that he would be proven painfully wrong only 4 years later, that Ryan could do something Michael wouldn't/couldn't understand

***

 

Athens 15th of august.

“Michael, calm down, so you won a bronze, I would kill to win a bronze of my own” Ryan says following Michael into the changing rooms. Michael had said he wanted to race the 200M freestyle, he wanted to race against the best of the best. Deep down he knew he could beat Ian Thorpe and Pieter van den Hoogenband but when it came down to it he was still a kind trying to play with the big boys.  Ryan knew better that to talk to Michael when he was like this.

Even though the had a thight friendship, they were both so different. Ryan was passive-aggressive something that Michael couldn't understand and what Michael lacked in calm Ryan more than made up for it. They had only been friends a short while, forced to room during the Olympics trial, but the found a commen love. Lil'Wayne. Michael was a open and trusting person and on there second night of rooming Michael hald told Ryan he was gay. "I had know idea" Ryan had replied.  "Do you..., you know... have a boyfriend" he asked looking at Michael. Michael nodded, "His name is Jake" he is the brother of my sisters best friend" Ryan wanted to know why it wasn't common knowledge that he was gay. Michael had just shrugged "People see what they want to see, they believe what they want, the truth can be painful or ruin the perfect picture they have in their head. If we bury the truth we never have to face it. The picture stays the way you want it, distorted but safe.  Ryan had nodded. He felt honoured that Michael was so open, he found it hard to be open and honest even though he was the most laid-back person on the team.

"Ry, please. I just need some time to myself" Ryan nodded and walked off. Michael tried to restrain himself from punching a locker. Breaking a hand was not going to help his swimming.  Ryan was a good guy, Michael hated that he was so passive aggresive but he had been there through his painfull break up with Jake. He remembers that night he had been crying most of the night, Ryan pulled him into a hug. "It is his lost, if he doesn't understand that you need to train, that swimming comes first then he doesn't deserve you he had said. And just think of all the greek god lining up to have there moment with golden boy." Ryan had chuckeled. Michael could stop laughing. "Thanks, doggy" he said "I don't know what I would do with out you"

Ryan wandered around the village, cursing himself for not staying with Michael even though Michael had told him to go. He didn’t know where he was going but he didn’t want to go to their empty room. Laughing was the first thing he heard when he turned the corner. And a female voice in a language he couldn’t quite place. He heard a man’s voice reply. And another laugh from the female. It sounded like German, but it wasn’t until he saw Inge de Bruin when he realized it was Dutch. He walked past the group trying not to pay attention to himself. He could feel someone staring at him, he hoped, prayed it was Pieter. His heart speeded up at the thought of the Dutch man. I am not gay, he told himself, I am not gay. It was three and a half minutes after seeing Pieter that he stopped believing himself and admitted he wanted the Dutchman.

He returned to his room, Michael was sitting on his bed with a goofy smile. “Sorry doggy” he says standing up and pulling Ryan into a hug. “It’s okay” MP. “Want to go and toss some condoms filled with water off the balcony?” “I thought you’d never ask” Michael says heading into the bathroom. 

A while later they are standing on the balcony, a bucket with condoms filled with water. “So” Michael says handing one over to Ryan. “We should have a point system” he says. “A direct hit is 5 points, if it is a medal winner it is another 10 points and if he/she has won gold it is another 20 points on top of that. Does that sound fair to you?” Michael asks picking one up for himself. Ryan looks down at the condom and grins “Sounds like a good plan to me. So that is 35 – 0 to me” Ryan says wiggling his eyebrows. “How come” Michael asks but before he can even finish his sentence Ryan launces one of the water bombs at him. “The game is on MP” he chuckles and picks up another one.

***

Athens August 21st 2004

With the swimming over most of the swimmers headed down to a local bar. Ryan had asked Michael to come along but he had declined. Saying that Golden Boy need his sleep, that he had a lot of interviews in the morning. Ryan nodded and headed out. His heart pounding in his chest, he felt alive. He wanted the Dutchman, he needed him.

He sat in a chair observing the room, most of the occupants were dancing and drunk. He smiled as he saw so many happy smiling faces. He saw Pieter talk to Ian Thorpe, Ian looked in the direction of him and replied something to Pieter who just laughed. He didn’t want to stare so he focused on his orange juice. He let his mind wander to Michael who was alone in his room, he wondered if he should just go back and hang out. But before he could finish his though he heard a voice ask if they could join him. He looked up and stared straight into the Pieter’s eyes. The Dutchman didn’t wait for him to reply but just sat down. “Ryan, right?” he asked and Ryan just nodded. “Pieter” the man said holding out his hand. Ryan shook it and felt a tingle shoot up his spine. He swallowed. “Well done” he said, surprised he even managed to form two words. He smiled, you too, gold on your first Olympics is pretty amazing" 

Ryan smiles and starts playing with the end of his jeans. He sees Pieter shift, looking uncomfratable, he couldn't believe that he could make this ever so elegant ever so calm Dutcman feel uncomfratable. Kiss him his brain shouts and he listens leaning in and brushing his lips with Pieter's. Pieter returns the kiss "not here" he whispers. Ryan nods. Trying to proces what is happening he lets Pieter lead him to the Dutch part of the Olympic Village. 

The moment the door is shut behind him Pieter is all over him. "Wait" Ryan says breaking the kiss, "What about your girlfriend? Don't you love her?" "Does matter? Will it change how good this feels" Pieter says kissing Ryan's collar-bone. Ryan takes a deep breath. He kisses Pieter and feels his body warm-up. Pieter pushes him down on the bed. "Have you ever slept with a guy" he asks brushing his hand through Ryans hair. Ryan shakes his head. "I don't want to force you, tell me what you need" Pieter says and before Ryan can even think his mouth says "Just fuck me" Pieter nods and leans into kiss him again.  


The next morning when Ryan wakes up he can see the sun coming through the window, the bed was warm he shifts trying to find Pieter but the other side of the bed. He opens his eyes another little bit, he sees Pieter standing in the doorway. “Morning” Ryan says, he flinches he didn’t realize how much his body hurt up until this moment. Pieter walks towards the bed, his hair a mess and looking tired. “You better go” his says handing Ryan his clothes. Ryan just nods and feels his heart sink. “I hope” Pieter continues “we can see each other again” “I would like that” Ryan replies pulling his tshirt over his head hoping it will hide the hickies and bruises, evidence that last night really did happen. Pieter smiles and Ryan leaves feeling happy and not realizing Pieter had made the first move in a game Ryan was going to lose. 

Ryan heads towards his room when he bumps into Ian Thorpe. Ian stops him and asks if they could talk "I know you don't want me to tell you this but you need to hear it" Ian begins laying a hand on his shoulder He doesn’t need advice and especially not from Ian. “I don’t want to tell you what to do Ryan, but be careful. Pieter has been playing this game for a long time. You are not the first and you definitely won’t be the last”. “I don’t need you telling me what to do Thorpe.” Ryan bites back. Ian just smiles, ever so calmly “He has a girlfriend to go back to, who have you got to hold you when he breaks your heart, when he is finished playing his game? He’s my friend but that doesn’t mean I agree with everything he does.” Ian says. “You seem like a nice guy, don’t be his fool” And with that Ian walks off leaving Ryan behind muttering to himself that this is love, this IS love. Pieter loves him. Ryan is playing right into Pieter’s hand, a fool to a king. 

***

Gainsville, 24th of December 2006

He looks at the card, he is sure the writing will were off due to how much he is staring at it. It is a Christmas card from Pieter. He rubs his finger over Pieters name, his had touched this card too, and he had written this for him. Ryan sighs, Pieter loves me why else did he send me this card, why else does he tell me he loves me when he phones. If he loves you then why did he marry her? A voice in his head replies. He tried to ignore the voice, it was there, each time.

Ryan pushed the voice to the back of his mind. He opens his computer and gets back to what he was doing. Pieter had invited him to come and stay while his wife was out of town. He had agreed, Pieter made it sound like it wouldn’t be a sordid affair, two people sneaking around. How do you come out to the people you care about Pieter had asked him one night after they had sex. Ryan didn’t know the answer. He debated whether or not to ask Michael how his coming out went but I got scared at the last moment. He was determined to learn how to speak Dutch, even if it was just to impress him. Pieter called him his schatje and it felt special, maybe because it was a different language or because it was Pieter but it made him feel even more in love but he paid a high price for this kind of love.

Ryan's body couldn't go without the touch of Pieter. He needed to be with Pieter, Pieter was his drug. And like a drug addict he needed Pieter more and more to fullfill this empy feeling Pieter courising through his system like a drug. Leaving him weak and vulnerable, always second guessing himself when the effect had worn off. The moment Pieter held him in his arms all the feelings would ebb away and he would feel himself again. The withdrawal was the worst, it started the moment he left Pieter, the moment he stepped on the plane and wouldn’t subside until he saw Pieter again, when he got another hit, not knowing how long he would have to go without before getting another hit was killing him. Pieter was his drug, there was no denying that. 

****

Melbourne, 1st of April 2007

The races are over, or at least for him and Pieter. He is lying on Pieter’s bed, Pieter was lucky enough to get his own room, reading a book. His glasses perched on the edge of his nose. “You know how hot you look right now” Pieter says flopping down on the bed. “Can’t sleep” Pieter says rolling onto his back. “Talk dutch to me, I love your accent” Pieter sits down next to Ryan. Ryan smiles. “Hoi, lieverd, Ik houd van jou” Pieter smiles. "I am happy to see you again" Pieter replies brushing Ryan's lips with his own.

Pieter tugged on Ryan’s shirt and they went back and forth, from removing a piece of clothing to their lips clashing until they were finally naked. “Can I fuck you?” Pieter asked, tonguing Ryab’s bellybutton and stroking his dick. Ryan started to turn to his stomach but Pieter stopped him with a hand. “No, I want to see you. Your face.” He said softly. 

Ryan quivered and squirmed in delight under the large frame that was holding him tightly to the bed. It only took about six strokes of Pieter pulling all the way back and pounding into his ass before Ryan exploded, bucking back on Pieter’s ramming cock. Ryan’s ass constricted and his body jerked, thrashing out of control. Pieter followed soon after, loosing the control over his arms and crashing on top of Ryan's body. Fifteen minutes went by and Ryan’s breathing was slowing down and his legs ceased to quiver. He could feel the weight of his man’s exhausted body on him. He wanted Pieter to stay with him forever but he knew Pieter would leave him again in the morning. He had his hit, his addiction was satisfied, for now. 

He left early before Pieter woke up. It had become a routine, Pieter had asked him not to spent the night. He would do anything to be with Pieter, to get another hit. He never told anyone about him and Pieter not even Michael. Michael was there for him but he knew he couldn't tell him. Michael probably say he should leave Pieter. 

When he enters his room Michael is still a sleep, he looks so peacefull, so calm. He resist the urge to run his hands through Michael's hair. He fellt guilty lying to Michael when he asked what was wrong. He tried to hide the bruises and hickies but he was sure Michael had seen him, even thought he had never question him about it.

The next few days go by quick and Ryan is leaving Pieter yet again. They are standing in the hotel lobby waiting for the ride to the airport. Pieter is standing amongst the Dutch swimmers waiting for their flight home to The Netherlands. With his perfect smile, his perfect European charm, his perfect smooth voice and his perfect swimming style what was there not to love? Ryan thinks to himself before crashing down to earth and realizing Pieter is in fact married and this is a dirty and cheap affair noting more no matter how many times Ryan asks Pieter to leave Minouche for him. He refused every time saying he loved her too.

***

London, 10th of august 2012

Ryan is heartbroken, and as he stands in the kitchen drinking his coffee he stares mindlessly at the television, not really paying attention until he see something painfully familiar. The 2004 Athens Aquatic Centre, lying in ruins. He sighs as the report goes on about how most of the Olympic sites are now in ruins. Just like my life he thinks, it started back then. Did he ruin Athens or did Athens ruin him he thinks.

His phone buzzes. He looks down at the flashing screen, it is Pieter’s number. He recognizes the land-code. How many times had he phoned that 0031 number, how many times had he wanted to phone that number, stopping himself and crying himself to sleep at how much he missed Pieter. Since Pieter broke up with him he had been running from the memories, running from the pain Pieter had caused. But they were always right there to pounce on him from the shadows, driving him deeper into a black cocoon of isolation and loneliness he now found himself, without Michael, the only person who was able to help him out of his black cocoon, he didn't know if he would be able to fight his demons. 

A voice in his head says don’t answer, he doesn’t. He puts his mobile away. He is going to listen to that voice. The voice he had pushed away so many times. He was going to listen, because not listening to that voice caused him to lose the love of his life. If only that voice would tell him how to get Michael back, how to show Michael how sorry he is but most of all that he understands, understands what Michael meant when he said it is not only him he was hurting.

He thinks back to Athens and how it all started. Was he really that young and naïve? Was it lust or love? Was he a fool to a king, who played him like a pro? He remembers the day he realized he was gay, back then he thought that it was Pieter but after Pieter there was some random guy and then Michael, there was no doubt in his mind that he was gay. The only doubt in his mind was if he deserved Michael’s forgiveness. After everything they both been through he knew Michael would be right if he never took him back.

He looks in the mirror and wonders how long he will stay sober for this time. He wondered how long it would take for him to fall back into his black cocoon, were he was capable of anything. Last time he had Michael to help him. Who had he now? Ian was right, even back then. Who was going to hold him now his heart was breaking, who was going to make him feel again? Pieter had already found another fool, he had found love but he was too weak to fight the addiction. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Believe it or not when I was writting this, i had one eye on the telly and a dutch commercial came on with PvdH. Spooky or not?
> 
> The second chapter, this took a lot longer than I thought it would, chapter three coming up.


	3. Back to black

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ryan doesn't want to be Pieter's fool anymore but can he really kick his addiction or will he loose everything by giving into it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> None of this is real i am sure everyone mentioned in this fic is really nice in real life.
> 
> All mistakes are my own. Comments/feedback more than welcome
> 
> Dutch   
> Ik ga je missen. Schatje = I am going to miss you, Baby

USA Airlines, August 19th 2012  
“So it is over” Nathan asks Michael who is mindlessly staring out of the window. “Mike” Nathan says a little bit louder. When Michael still doesn’t respond Nathan thumps him in the arm. “What the fuck was that for” Michael says glaring at Nathan. “Is it over, between you and Ryan?” Michael nods. “I thought you to would last forever” Nathan says still looking at Michael, making Michael look him in the eye. Michael sighs. “It is complicated, Nathan.” Michael says closing his eyes and rubbing the sides of his temples. “Do you love him Mike?” he doesn’t reply. “Did he cheat on you?” Michael shakes his head. “Then what?” Michael shrugs. “Its complicated” “Too complicated for you two to work it out?” “For what it is worth Mike, whatever Ryan did, he is Ryan; the Ryan who just has to enter the room and you light up; the Ryan who has made you less of a jerk. And you love him, surely whatever else happened that should be enough.” Nathan gets up out of his sit and heads down a couple of rows leaving Michael behind, with only his thoughts but every time he closes his eyes no matter how hard he tries not to his mind wanders to Ryan and Pieter. Ryan knew what he was doing and even though him and Pieter were over long before they started going out Ryan wanted somebody else’s man.

The flight is long and umcomfratable, even though he is in first class planes were not made for 6 foot something swimmers. He remembers coming home from Beijing how he had spent the entire flight talking to Ryan, about what had happened. Now he knows what had happened, Pieter had ended it throwing Ryan into that cocoon, a cocoon that almost killed Ryan. Ryan had told him bits of what had happened, that he had a relationship, that it was mostly one-sided and that no matter how hard he tried he couldn’t shake it. Michael wondered if Ryan became an addict by accident or was Pieter his drug of choice: the be-all, end-all addiction that Ryan cannot and will not shake?

Michael admits that his relationship with Ryan had never been easy. Ryan had been damaged and Michael didn’t do well in relationships but slowly but surely they learnt to trust each other, fall in love with each other but most of all they both learnt that they were enough for each other, and yeah he did think it would last forever. He wanted Ryan back but he couldn’t forgive what Ryan had done, had been able to do.

Michael finally returns home, he opens his front door. The house is empty and quite. He sits down on his coach, the room still cluttered with Ryan’s stuff. There will be no more playing Halo till way past midnight, no more giving each other blowjobs on the couch, no more just lying together watching the Ravens play just embracing each other, no more calling him just to hear his voice. The house will never be filled with laughter, Ryan’s laughter. Michael wants to yell, but he knows there is no point so he doesn’t break the silence surrounding him. The silence that is so loud it hurts.

 

London, August 7th 2012  
Come to my room Pieter had texted. The text had come when Michael was in the shower. Ryan sighed and looked at the text. What did he want? Did he want me back? Was he going to leave his wife for me? Do I still love him? So many questions were left unanswered. Ryan’s fingers hovered over the reply button when he heard Michael’s voice singing off key, he couldn’t quite make out the song but he could have sworn Michael was signing “Hopelessly Devoted to you”. If only people knew that Michael loves Grease and has tortured Ryan more than once with karaoke night of Grease hits. But was he hopelessly devoted to Pieter? Was he just a fool who's willing to sit around and wait for him? Ryan sighs, what feels for the thousand time since landing in London. He already knows he will go see Pieter, he already knows how it will end if he doesn’t stand up for himself. If he doesn’t stand up to himself he will run the risk of losing Michael and with that in his mind he goes to see Pieter, one last time to tell him he has lost his fool.

He knocks on the door, taking a deep breath before the door is opened. Pieter smiles, he still looks like the same Pieter he had fallen for all them years ago. “Ryan, you came. Come here” Pieter pulls him into a hug. No three kisses, not like Pieter normally does. “Pieter” Ryan begins to say as he follows the older man into the room. “Why do you want me here?” Ryan asks not sitting down next to Pieter, he can clearly see Pieter look disappointed. “I missed you, I saw you and I wanted you” “I am with Michael” Ryan says walking towards the door. “If you’re with Michael the why did you come, it seems to me that you still want this” Pieter holds out a hand and Ryan wants to leave but he can’t, his feet won’t move.

“You’re my drug Pieter, but I need to kick you, I need to sober up. I have Michael.” Pieter takes step in Ryan’s direction. “One night, you know you want it”. Pieter says taking another step in Ryan’s direction. Ryan swallows. Walk away a voice in his head screams, walk away. “I do but I won’t”, Pieter kisses him and Ryan kisses back, and without wanting to he pushes the memory of him and Michael to the back of his mind. Pieter pushes him on the bed and bites his neck, he can see Ryan bleed and flinch under his touch. Ryan is snapped back to reality, this is not love he tells himself this is me doing what Pieter wants being his fool. He pushes Pieter away. “I’m sorry for hurting you” Pieter says running his thumb over the bruise starting to appear. Ryan looks at him, his mind not clouded anymore. “This didn’t hurt, Pieter” he says walking to the door. “You’ve managed to hurt me a lot worse without ever laying a hand on me.” He walks out the door and doesn’t look back proud but knowing that he could all too easily fall back into Pieter’s arms and that scares him.

He knows that by going to Pieter he could lose Michael. He loved Michael, Pieter was what he thought he wanted, he thought he still wanted Pieter but when it came down to it he realized he wanted Pieter for all the wrong reasons. He was a drug, coursing through him, but he knew he would have to kick the addiction. Pieter made him feel great but only for a while, if he really loved him he wouldn’t leave him in pain. Ryan is not sure why he loved Pieter and maybe he'll never know. It was a simple infatuation, a fixation on that which is beautiful and dangerous for Ryan in harmony that was always going to end painfully for him. But out of all the pain came Michael and the want for Michael left him warm and happy. Michael who never pushed him away, never asked him to lie about who they were. But Michael was still the kid who begrudged his father’s other women and Ryan had in fact been the other woman in some kids eyes.

And in that moment he knew what he had been doing, he was not just hurting Minouche he was hurting her kids as well, trying to take their dad away from them, it might not be true but if Pieter did ever listen to Ryan and did leave his wife, that is how his kids would see him.

 

Amsterdam, 12th-17th of September 2007  
“Over here you hear a familiar voice shout. Ryan smiles when he sees the person he flew all those miles to see. Ryan shakes Pieter’s hand a bit awkward. Anything more would be suspect. Pieter had even come up with reasons why Ryan was here, they had stricken up a friendship in 2005 and Pieter had invited Ryan to stay and train with him. Pieter had even joked in the press that Ian Thorpe was still a close friend but Florida was a lot closer so traveling to train together was a lot easier. Pieter grabs Ryan’s bag and tosses it over his shoulder has he pushes the cart with the rest of his stuff towards the exit. They don’t speak until they are safely in his car. Ryan makes a lame joke about big cars and men. He smiles saying he knows very well that is not true. He gives Ryan one of his smiles and Ryan melts inside.

They spent the next few days training and fucking. On day three Ryan’s wants to do something else not that he doesn’t love spending time with Pieter like this but he feels like he needs to get out of the house before he goes mad. “Want to go for a run?” he asks Pieter running his hand over the indentation in his chest. Ryan was fascinated by Pieters body, he knew every inch and could dream every freckle. But most of all he was still captivated by the older man’s chest. “Does it hurt when I touch it” Ryan had asked one night stroking his and up and down the indentation. Pieter shook his head.

Pieter smiles “That might be a bit tricky what if someone sees us” he asks bringing Ryan back to reality “Scared are we? Come one live dangerously” Ryan replies. Pieter throws his head back and laughs. Serves me right really for dat.. screwing Ryan Lochte. Ryan smiles but finds it too hard to ignore the fact that Pieter had corrected himself. But denial was so much easier and Ryan decided for now the easy way was best.

“Ik ga je missen. Schatje” Pieter whispers as he leaves Ryan at the departure gate. They don’t hug or kiss. Ryan smiles “I love you” he whispers. Pieter just nods, his green eyes empty, no love to be found but something inside Ryan is choosing to ignore what is staring him straight in the face.

 

Gainsville, December 8th 2008  
Ryan had longed for Pieter for so long, now more than ever, but since they had last spoken to each other, there didn't seem a chance that Pieter would be what Ryan wanted, needed him to be. Ryan was left with broken with no-one to hold him while the other man went on with his life. And for the first time since Athens Ryan felt like he would never be able to climb out of this hole he had been digging. Four years of being addicted had its toll on Ryan, he found himself in a black cocoon not letting anyone in or letting himself out. He never told anyone about the past four years. Was it because the older man had asked him not to or did he know what he was doing was wrong except he didn’t want to admit it Ryan didn’t know.

He heard a light snore, Michael had insisted he’d stay with Ryan, because Michael could tell something was wrong. He sighed, Michael was perhaps the only person who had been there for him, letting him cry on his shoulder and never asking him to tell. Michael had finished he victory tour in Gainsville, mainly because the Ryan he saw in Beijing scared the living daylight out of him, he felt he needed to take care of Ryan even though Ryan never said he needed someone to take care of him. His life has been turned upside down over the last few months, and he was scared. Michael knows this by the way Ryan clings to him at night.

It was late one evening when they were playing cards. They were a little bit drunk and they started talking about relationships, parents, siblings and their dogs. Do you still see your dad Ryan asked breaking the silence that had come with the ‘Are your parents still together’ question Ryan had asked. Michael shook his head. They’re divorced my dad had an affair and left us for her and started a new family. I am sorry to hear that Ryan said not knowing what to see, seeing Michael hurt so much. “I don’t understand how someone can sleep with someone else’s husband’ Michael said opening another beer. Ryan felt his heart sink. He vowed never to tell Michael about him and Pieter.

Michael could see Ryan come out of his cocoon slowly but he would call him every once in a while crying, something had happened that was threatening to pull him back into his cocoon.

 

Rome 2009  
“Michael” Ryan says jogging up next to Michael. “I see that we are rooming together”. Michael just nods. “Jeah” Ryan says and holds out his fist. Michael holds out his fist and they bump them together. Michael’s heart skips a beat, at the touch of Ryan’s hand. He swallows hard. “So do you want to go to get a bite to eat” Ryan asks “I know this awesome place where they have some great Cannoloni. Michael nods and lets Ryan take his hand and lead him out into the warmth of the Roman night.

A while later they arrive back at their hotel room Ryan closes the door. Ryan turns around and sees Michael, he has never seen Michael like this, the way he sees him now. Maybe he had but chose to ignore it, his vision clouded by Pieter. He has a sudden urge to kiss him. He pulls him towards him placing himself between Michael and the door. He can see his confused look as he runs his hands over his stomach muscles. “What are you doing” he asks not taking his eyes of Ryan’s face. “This is a now or never kind of moment, don’t tell me you haven’t been thinking about this since we got to Rome” Michael smiles. “Are you sure?” Ryan nods “let’s just see where this goes” Ryan says and leans in to kiss Michael again.

When Ryan wakes up the next morning he looks at the clock. He gets up and starts getting dressed. “Where are you going” Michael asks slurring like he was drunk. “I thought you would want me to go” Ryan says pulling on a trainer. Michael crawls a cross the bed and sits down next to Ryan. “Do you want to go” Michael asks running his hand through Ryan’s hair. Ryan shakes his head. “Then stay” Michael whispers in his ear and pulls him in for a kiss.

When Ryan wakes up a few hours later he looks at a sleeping Michael, so peaceful and realizes this is what it feels like to be with someone who wants to be with you.

“I’m scarred” Ryan had confessed over breakfast later. “What of?” Michael had answered. “Being hurt, I have fallen in love before and it almost killed me. Why do we fall in love so easy, even when it's not right..? Where there is desire, there is gonna be a flame, where there is a flame, someone's bound to get burned.” Ryan said not looking up from his plate. Michael smiled “Ry, just because it burns, doesn't mean u gonna die...”. Ryan hoped Michael was right.

 

Athens, 22nd of August 2004  
Another party, Ryan hadn’t been the mood to go but Michael had made him come. His mind still full of the memories, memories from the previous night. He had gone to the club with Michael, he had lost him the moment they had entered the club. Ryan sat down at the bar. He scanned the room for Pieter, his body was already aching for him. But he knows Pieter won’t be here, he is probably out celebrating with his Dutch team mates. He goes over what Pieter had said about his girlfriend, but Ryan knew that it would be only time before he left her, right?

The music is pumping and he can feel the beat pulse through him. He crunches on some ice, swallowing down the remnants when he feels a tap on his shoulder. He turns around and he is staring right into Pieter’s eyes. “Hey” Pieter says. “Hey” Ryan replies. And without saying another word they head back to Pieter’s room, all of Pieter’s fellow roommates are either out drinking, or at the infamous Holland House. Ryan looks around Pieter’s room, as lets out a laugh. “What” Pieter asks looking around the room for something funny. “It is a mess” Ryan says picking up a pair of discarded underwear from the bed and throwing them on the floor. “How can you make a mess in one day” Ryan sits down on the bed. Pieters stays standing by the door. “I still have a girlfriend, can you deal with that?” he says. “If you love her then why am I here?” Ryan says playing with the strings on his jumper. Pieter walks over to the bed “because I like you, isn’t that enough” he answers sitting down on the bed. He kisses Ryan on his the lips. He stops and looks worried when Ryan doesn’t return the kiss.. “Last night was good, no?” Pieter says brushing his hands through Ryan’s hair. “Yes it was, more than good” Pieter leans in for another kiss, his hands undoing Ryan’s belt.

The next morning Ryan wakes up to the weight in the bed shifting but Pieter stays asleep. He gets up before Pieter awakes. He is a fast learner or Pieter is a good teacher, either way Ryan is in deeper than he thinks. He pulls on his clothes trying not to make a sound. He catches a glimps of himself in the full length mirror. He has bruises on his hips and at least two visible marks on his collar-bone, Pieter has left his mark on him yet again, marking him as his property. And strangely enough Ryan likes the idea of being marked by the older man. He opens the door and steps out onto the landing, he is greeted by the warm morning sun.

Walking slowly towards the beach Ryan wonders when he will see Pieter again, wondering if Pieter is missing him. Not knowing that Pieter had already returned to his girlfriend, not giving him a second thought, just happy that he had conquered another fool.

 

Baltimore, January 29th 2010  
Will you come visit me Michael had asked Ryan. It had been during an epic online game of Halo. “I would love to” Ryan had replied. It had been a while since the last saw each other but it was a bittersweet separation, he was missing Michael with every fiber in his body but he knew that Michael was missing him too. A feeling he never really had felt, someone wanting, missing him.

When he touched down in Baltimore and walked through the arrival gates he was met, almost squashed, by Michael. Michael pulled him into a hug, Ryan loved the feeling of Michael’s arms around him. It felt safe. Michael didn’t hide what he felt about him.

Michael took Ryan out to dinner, showed him around his world, introduced him to his mother as his boyfriend. And when they returned to Michaels house the made love, because we are in love Ryan thought to himself two hours and multiple orgasms later. And as they lay under the sheets, tangled in each other Ryan was happy, and out of his cocoon he never wished to return to. He felt the weight of Michael on his chest and he was fairly sure Michael was asleep. He could feel small, even breaths and Michael wasn't moving. "I love you," he said quietly not wanting to wake Michael. There was no response, but he didn't mind. There would be plenty of time to tell Michael while he was awake. For now he'd just sleep, dreamless, because nothing could be better than this moment. Golden Boy, Michael Phelps, asleep in his arms. It was perfect.

The next day as Ryan was getting dressed he felt Michael stare at him from the other side of the room. “What” Ryan said with a small smile. “Nothing” Michael said walking over to Ryan and pulling him into a hug. “Just so you know” he whispered in his ear “I love you too”

London august 9th 2012

Ryan paces his room. Should he tell Michael were he had been, should he just confess he had been to see Pieter. Michael still didn’t know about Pieter, and Ryan didn’t really want him to know either. But they had promised to be honest no matter what.

Michael had been hyper all day, something that had to do with spending too much time with Ryan Bob had said. Michael had come to his room, mostly expecting sex but not this not what Ryan was about to say.

“Ryan” Michael said bouncing into the room almost throwing himself at Ryan. “Mike, i…i…need to tell you something” Ryan stammers pushing Michael off him.

Michael just sits on the bed. “What’s up doggy?” Ryan takes a deep breath. “I went to see Pieter today” Michael just looks confused (and adorable Ryan has to admit). “Van den Hoogenband?” Michael asks. Ryan nods. “How is he, haven’t seen him since Beijing? Why did you go to see him, didn’t even know you knew him all that well” “Well…” Ryan says fidgeting more than he normally does Michael thinks to himself. “We..we..had a relationship a while back and he wanted to talk” Ryan said looking at Michael and trying to figure out how he would react.

“When?” Michael says raising his voice. “It ended in 2008, before we ever started going out” Michael looks down at the floor not wanting to look at Ryan. “But I realized what I had done, that he had played me like a fool, and somewhere deep down inside I wanted to be his fool. I needed him like a drug, I kept going back. He ended it after Beijing”

“Is that why you didn’t want to talk, eat or sleep? He had dumped you?” Ryan nods tugging at his jumper, bad move as it reveals the mark Pieter had left.

Michael rubs his hand over the mark. Ryan is kicking himself for being so stupid to forget the mark. Without saying another word Michael stands up. “I am off to my room, bye Ryan” he opens the door to head to his own room. Ryan walks after him. Hoping he can get Michael’s forgiveness.

“It is over” Michael says slamming the door in Ryan’s face. “Let me explain, Michael” Ryan says walking into the room. “What is there to explain, you slept with him, you cheated on me

  
Baltimore/Rome 21 of august 2012  
“I would like a flight” Michael says handing his details to the girl behind the desk who looks like she might pass out due to shock. “Where to?” she replies composing herself ? “Rome” he replies without even thinking, he doesn’t want to go home cause it reminds him too much of Ryan. A while later he is in the airport lobby, waiting for his flight to be called. He doesn’t want face up to the truth, be in an empty house. He can’t do this, he never pictured his retirement like this. Not without Ryan.

He doesn’t feel the heat that hits him when he steps of the plane. He gets a cab to the restaurant he and Ryan had their "first date" all them years ago, even though it hadn't started out as a date, both had admitted they had wanted it to be. When he enters the restaurant he can hear laughing and for a moment he thinks he can hear Ryan’s laugh, perhaps it is still an echo trapped inside, trying to escape but never being able to be free. A bit like Ryan Michael thinks to himself will he ever be free from Pieter?

He sits in the cubical they had shared that night and looks at the cracks in the wall. “I will sit here till it stops hurting, till I don’t miss him” he tells himself.

He sits there for a very long time.

 

Gainsville 21st of August 2012  
Ryan knows that his relationship with Michael had always been a struggle, but they loved each other and they both knew that whatever life threw at them the would face it togheter. He remembers how Michael had hold him closes whispering in his ear that no matter what happened he would still be here. Ryan came out to his parents that night, his mum just cried and his father walked out of the room. But Michael had been right, they got through it together, they struggled through it together and came stronger out the otherside.

His only struggle this night, back at home and without Michael to hold him, however, is with himself.

The urge to phone Michael to beg for forgiveness had disappeared the moment he touched down in America. The black cocoon was upon him again and this time there was no one there to help him out of it, no-one to pull him back to the surface, the surface where everything was broken and wrong in his life. There was no one who would fix what was broken and make what was wrong in his life right. He was alone, and that was the last place he wanted to be.

This time the cocoon seemed darker and blacker. If he would end it all, the pain would be gone. No one would miss him, at first perhaps but in a while he would just be a distant memory of someone who was stupid and selfish. He looks down at the table that is littered with boxes of old pain medicine, aspirin and something he found at the back of his medicine cabinet.

Having your heart broken hurts, breaking the heart of the person you love hurts even more Ryan thinks. He starts counting again, 43, 44, 45 46, 47. He looks at the bottle of Vodka and sighs as he unscrews the top.

He counts each one as he swallows it down with a gulp of Vodka, by the time he reaches twenty he can feel the black draw upon him. He feels his eyes become heavy and he lets himself be pulled into the cocoon for good.

 


	4. Picture of us

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All Ryan wants is his happy ending, all he wants is Michael.
> 
> Will he get his happily ever after or has he let his life be ruined by a picture.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At long last i managed to finish this work. It took me a while and i had no idea how to end it, i hope I wrote the end that was best suited. It does contain a bit more fluff, but i wanted to give Michael's and Ryan's relationship a bit more dynamic. (That and I find it easier to write fluff)

**Baltimore, 30th of June 2010**

Michael awakes with a jolt. A bit disoriented, he looks around, confused. Once his vision cleared, he sees Ryan sitting at the end of his bed, grinning like a madman. Michael runs a hand through his hair. “Christ Ryan, that scared the hell out of me,” he says lying back down and pulling the covers over his head.  
  
“I know,” Ryan laughs. “Happy Birthday!” Michael looks at his clock.  
  
“Doggy, it’s 12:03 in the morning,” he groans covering his eyes with his forearm.  
  
“Your point?” Ryan asks, still grinning.  
  
“My point is that I’m tired and I just want to go back to sleep”  
  
“No can do. We’re celebrating.your birthday dude!! This is your first birthday we are celebrating as a couple’’  
  
“It’s the middle of the night,” Michael yawns, “we can celebrate in the morning like normal people.”  
  
“You’re no fun. Get up.” Ryan says bouncing on the end of the bed  
  
“Ryan Steven Lochte if you don’t shut up and let me sleep I will murder you.”  
  
Ryan laughs. “No you won’t.”  
  
“Won’t I?”  
  
“Nope. Give me five minutes, please?” Ryan was beginning to sound like a child begging his mother for a cookie before dinner. Michael sighed.  
  
“Fine, but only five minutes.” Michael yawned.  
  
“Great!” Ryan says leaping up. “Come on.”  
  
“You mean I have to get up? I really am going to kill you.” Ryan grabs Michael’s hand and excitedly leads him to the kitchen.  
  
“Tada! Happy Birthday Michael.” Sitting on the kitchen table was a slightly lopsided cake with a shoddy icing job. The familiar handwriting on top said, “Happy 25th Birthday.”  
  
“God Ryan, it’s awful,” Michael says, laughing a bit. Ryan smiles.  
  
“I know, I know. But I’m not a baker; I’m a swimmer so just shut up and enjoy it.”  
  
“Okay, I’ll get the plates and forks.”  
  
“Oh no you won’t,” Ryan insisted. “It’s your birthday. You sit here and I’ll get it ready.” Michael sits in a chair and Ryan takes the cake away. He puts down two plates and two forks on the table. A moment later, he turns around with two unlit candles situated on top of the cake.  
  
After they  had enjoyed a few pieces of the deformed birthday cake, they returned to the bedroom. “You know,” Michael says, “that cake wasn’t actually that bad.” Running his hand up Ryan’s back  
  
“I know,” Ryan smiles, “I was so worried that we’d die from it.”  
  
“So you let me eat it anyway. Thanks.”  
  
“You’re very welcome,” Ryan replisd. The two were silent for a few moments. ‘’Now can we go to sleep?’’ Ryan asks yawning dramaticly

Michael just laughs and a a few miniutes later he is fast a sleep with Ryan sleeping in his arms.

*

‘’What do you think’’  Ryan asks coming out of the bathroom wearing the new shirt he had gotten last week in California for Michael’s birhday.

Michael looks up from his laptop ‘’Hmm’’

‘’I think the color brings out my eyes’’ Ryan says fixing the hem of the shirt

‘’I think the color hurts my eyes’’ Michael chuckles

‘’Fuck you, Phelps’’ Ryan says putting on a trainer.

‘’You have, more than once’’ Michael says turning his gaze  to his laptop

Ryan heads back into the bathroom to finish getting ready. ‘’What do you fancy doing tonight?’’ He yells from the bathroom

‘’I don’t mind’’ Michael says still focussed on his laptop

‘Ut if r bifsda’’ he hears Ryan yell back from the bathroom

‘’What’’

‘’I said it is your birthday, you choose’’

Michael just shrugs as Ryan returns to the bedroom to put on his shoes.

‘’I love you Ryan Lochte’’ Michael says out of the blue as Ryan is walking out of the bathroom ‘’ I don’t think I have ever loved anyone like the way I have loved you’’

Ryan smiles ‘’I love you too Michael Phelps, I don’t know what I would do without you’’

Michael closes his laptop and pulls Ryan onto his lap ‘’Don’t worry doggy, you will never have to find out’’

Ryan just nods and leans his head against Michael’s, he catches a glimps of himself in the mirror opposite the bed. And for first time, in a long time he likes the person looking back at him.

‘’You know’’ Michael says tracing Ryan’s abs with his fingers ‘’we don’t have to go anywhere’’ Michael says raising an eyebrow.  
  
Ryan nods and leans in to kiss Michael.’’Why do you love me?’’ Ryan suddenly asks breaking the kiss and looking at Michael, his face dead serious.

"There's something about you. I feel it."  
  
"That'd be my dick." Ryan jokes but still looking serious.

‘’Your always there for me and you make me feel alive’’ Michael says eventually.

‘’Thank you for loving me’’ Ryan says nuzzling Michael’s neck

Michael smiles ‘’God that was so cheesy’’ he says lauging ‘’but you make it easy for me to love you’’.

 

**Rome 21st June 2013**

So many people had told Ryan not to leave, not to go back to Rome, they said he wasn't strong enough to deal with going back to the place where he and Michael shared their first kiss. He hadn't heard from Michael since London. He didn’t know how his agent had kept his attempted suicide a secret, but he was so gratefull to her. The press was told he was suffering from fatigue. Pieter hadn't phoned him since London, he had moved on found some one worth divoricing for, worth his heart. It left Ryan cold, Michael was what important to him and now he was gone.

Devon had found him, luckily before it was too late, before too much damaged was done. Looking back he didn't want to die, he just didn't know how he could go on without Michael. He took councelling, made steps towards a new life. He knew that life might not be with Michael but he held out hope, every one thought he was mad. Michael had made his choice, he had told Ryan what he wanted, and it wasnt to be in his life. A voice in the back of his mind told him that Michael could still love him, that the love the had could still be there, and if it was Rome would have the answer on how ask Michael if they could start over.

Rome was warm and buzzing with people, just like all them years ago when he was here with Michael. When he didn't think he could love again. MIchael saw beyond the fence he had built around himself.  He decides to head down to the Trevi Fountain  
  
He breaths in the warm air and listens to the sound of the city. He feels his mobile buzz in his pocket, he just lets it buzz until who ever was ringing him had given up.

He walks over to the edge of the Trevi Fountain and looks down at the coins lying at the bottom. He remembers Michael taking him here, the had stood looking at each other, taking in each others face.  ''Here'' Michael said handing Ryan a coin ''make a wish''. Ryan nodded and turned his back towards the fountain, closing his eyes and making a wish.

He wonders how long his coin had floated at the bottom before it was cleaned up, did that mean that the wish became invalide? His wish of a happy ending with Michael was now just a pipedream. Something he would never have, only when he slept at nigth. Only then he could pretend things were still the same. But when he awakes his is brought back to reality, one without Michael. A world in which he knows he never truly loved Pieter the way he loves Michael.

He sees his reflection in the water, and for a moment he catches a glimps of the guy he was with Pieter. The reflection doesn’t last long, he sees a figure in the reflection standing next to him. He closes his eyes,  hoping the figure would go away but it doesn’t.

''Michael''  Ryan says opening his eyes again, looking straight into Michaels ''what are you doing here''

Michael sighs ''Devon told me you were here, he told me everything''

Ryan nods ''You're not angry at me for what I did?''

''You mean taking those pills?'' Michael asks

Ryan shakes his head

''Pieter'' Michael says

Ryan nods, Michael shakes his head ''I was never angry''

''What were you if you weren't angry?'' Ryan asks trying to hide the hope he is feeling that Michael might have forgiven him.

''I was hurt Ry, hurt''

Ryan nods, his hope for a happy ending comes crashing down once again

**Gainsville 13th of December 2011**

''So what are you going to do afer you retire'' Ryan asked running his nose along Michaels spine. Michael was sprawled out on his front still trying to catch his breath after being well and truly fucked by Ryan.

‘’Hmm’’ Michael hums

‘’What are you going to do after you retire? Would you move to Gainsville if I asked you to?

‘’Do you want me to move to Gainsville?’’

‘’Jeah, but do you want to move to Gainsville?’’

‘’On one condition’’ Michael says turning his face towards Michael’s

Ryan raises an eyebrow

‘’What MP?’’

‘’You get rid of your grillz’’

 ''You can get rid of that thing you call a beard'' Ryan retorts

''Admit it, you love my beard.

''Ugh, don't ever, ever tell anyone, but jeah i loves your beard'' Ryan chuckles.

Michael laughs ''Nice try, but the grillz go if you want me to move in''  
  
Ryan rolls his eyes ''Deal, but you are the wife and that means cooking, cleaning and sucking dick''

 

**Gainsville 23rd of June 2013**

MIchael had returnend to Gainsville with Ryan. The flight had been long and weird, there was a tension between the two of them. A tention that they both fellt but couldn't quite place.

They both needed to say so much, explain so much. Michael knew that what he had done to Ryan was wrong, he knew it the moment Ryan had walked out of the door, the moment he begged Ryan to come back when it was too late. But he was stubborn and the little voice in his head, the insecure voice of his younger self, had led him to act the way he did.

Ryan should have fought for Michael, stand up for himself. He didn't hurt Michael, so why was Michael hurt?

**

 ‘’Do you want something to drink’’ Ryan asks opening the door to the fridge and grabbing himself a can of Mountain Dew.

Michael shakes his head ‘’I am fine thanks Doggy’’

Michael sits down on Ryan couch, Ryan sits in the chair opposite him. They sit in silence for a few minutes until Michael begins to speak.

‘’I have missed you’’ Michael says not looking up at Ryan ‘’I have been ever since you left my room in London’’

‘’Mike..’’ Ryan says is voice quivering  
  
‘’No please let me finish, if I don’t I am scared I might not have the guts to tell you this’’

‘’I didn’t think being without you would hurt this much. I wanted you out of my life, and then you were and, and….’’ Michael inhales deeply ‘’I have spent this last year playing fucking golf and missing you. I had my time alone, you gave me what I asked for and it turned out I didn’t want it.’’

‘’Do you still love me’’ Ryan asks closing his eyes scared of the answer

‘’Yes, with all my heart.  The thing is now I realize you never did me wrong, was it my place to be angry at you for someone else?’’  
  
‘’Mike I know what I did was wrong, you were right to feel hurt’’ Ryan plays with the tin of unopend Mountain Dew, anything to have to not look at Michael.

‘’Did you hear that he divorced his wife, not long after London? I thought you two had gotten back together.’’ Michael says looking up at Ryan for the first time since the got to Ryan’s house.

‘’What?! I love you Michael. I would never..’’  
  
‘’I know that now Doggy, I know you love me. It is just, I was scared, scared you would not realise that you deserve more, that you had gone back to him, to be his fool again. You should never be anybody’s fool. You deserve happiness’’

‘’Do you love me’’ Ryan asks sitting down next to Michael.

‘’With all my heart’’

‘’Can we get back together? Do you want to us to get back togheter?’’  
  
There is a moment of silence, all Ryan can hear is the clock in the kitchen.

 

**Baltimore 10th of August 2016**

‘’Hurry up or we are going to miss the race’’ Michael yells to his family

‘’Shhh Michael or you will wake up Joshua’’ Debbie says bringing in the last of the food.

Michael looks at the baby sleeping in his little seat, that is placed next to him on the couch. Michael just rolls his eyes.

Michael turns up the sound as he sees the swimmers walking out. Ryan looks his usual cool self, the same way he looks before every race.  He misses the racing, no he misses racing with Ryan but he has a different life now. One with Ryan, with Joshua.

The whole thing is over before he knows it. Ryan has done it, Ryan has matched his eight gold medals. Michael can feel himself start too cry.  
  
‘’Look dude’’ Micael says trying to hold back the tears and taking the baby out of his seat and holding it in front of the television. ‘’That is your dad’’ The baby just squirms and lets out a soft cry.

‘’Michael, he is too young, he won’t recognise Ryan’’ Hillary says rolling her eyes.

‘’But’’ Michael whines ‘’how many children can says they have a dad who competed in the Olympics’’ Debbie chuckles, he really is starting to sound like Ryan.

‘’Dads’’ she corrects him.

At this point Joshua just starts crying louder and Michael holds him close to his chest and bounces him a little.  
  
‘’Hey little dude, it is allright I miss your dad too’’ Michael says holding the baby to his chest, the crying stops and the baby falls asleep on Michael’s chest.

‘’Only a few more days and he will be home’’ Michael whispers to the baby but it is more for himself than for Joshua.

**  
In the final few moments before the medal ceromony Ryan looks down at his phone and sees the picture of him and Michael on their wedding day. Both smiling, Ryan’s smile is real, and he knows without a doubt in his mind that so is Michael’s. He knows that Michael loves him unconditional, and he loves Michael with all his heart.

He has his happily ever after, he has Michael and he has his son.

 

**Author's Note:**

> I got inspired to write this fic b/c of this picture/tweet: https://twitter.com/TheDutchDolphin/status/231304695526875136 


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